Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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