i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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