My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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