we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
