I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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