I'm going to jail i love you
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
