I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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