I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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