but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
