I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
