ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
