all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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