Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
