I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
