Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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