Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
