I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
