Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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