I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
