it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
