Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Drake has all the answers
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
