At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
