Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
