nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
