Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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