Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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