Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
