please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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