I faked an abortion last night.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
