if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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