I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
