stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
