Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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