i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
