Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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