He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
