he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize