someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
