I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
