Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
