Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You need Xanax blowdarts
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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