Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
