i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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