I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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