I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
