You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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