While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
