tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
