Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
