The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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