Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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