i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
