I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
