She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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