I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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