i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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