you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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