I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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