Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Randomize
