Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
